from Offbeat magazine February 1989

Beat me up, Scotty

How to have a number one (The JAMs way)

by Christopher Mellor

The Timelords, aka The Jams, aka The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu, aka 
the KLF, aka Rockman Rock And King Boy D, aka James Cauty and Bill 
Drummond, aka the ultimate pop pranksters, are at it again. After 
storming the charts with the horrendous Doctorin' The Tardis last year, 
they have wrilten down everything they have learnt about getting to 
Number One in a concise manual. If you follow their instructions, they 
claim, you too could "Realise your childish fantasies of having a Number 
One hit single...thus guaranteeing you a place forever in the sacred 
annals of pop history".

It's like a dream come true. Its 78 pages of easy-to-follow text takes you 
step by step from being at home on a Sunday evening, in anytown, on the 
dole and listening to the UK Top 40, through choosing a groove, some 
samples and a tune, spending a week in a 24 track studio (and how to pay 
for it, sort of), on to getting a distribution deal, a lawyer and an 
accountant, mixing the record, and on into promotion, plugging, sales 
forces, and ultimately, theoretically, watching the thing shoot up to the 
top of the pops. It all sounds beautifully simple and I guess thats the 
message - it is. The boys are big enough to admit that if they can do it, 
anybody can. It's true. You don't have to be a great singer, songwriter, or 
musician. You can sample other people's sounds, buy a singer, and make 
up a tune that sounds almost, but not quite, like somebody  On the 
downside it will cost you over UKP20 000.

And as they point out, "Other than achieving a Number One hit single we 
offer you nothing else. There will be no endless wealth, fame will flicker 
and fade and sex will still be a problem."

I can just imagine some poor kid diligently following the instructions - 
recording a song in a 24 track studio without any money to pay for it in 
the hope of his record being a hit, then not being able to get a distribution 
deal or his money because the record is crap. Next, his parents sue The 
Jams for getting him in such a mess.

Bill: "We could say sorry..."

But what are they trying to do? Destroy the whole pop cultural myth? If 
anybody can have a Number One, what happens to talent, stars shining in 
the firmament? Everybody needs somebody to look up to. Somebody to 
wish you could be like, somebody to gossip about, somebody you're glad 
you're not when you find out that they're drunk, drugged or depressed 
because of the pressure of YOU watching them.

THE MOTIVE
Are they cynical old rockers who've lost their love of pop, clever audio 
scientists manipulating new technology, the pop powers that be, and 
ultimately the kids who buy the records for their own evil ends, mostly to 
fill their already overfowing coffers with lucre? Or perhaps they are just 
two guys in love with pop, addicted to music, who accidentily put 
together a sure-fire hit and decided to go for it

Let's go for option three, gang.

Bill: "We followed the instructions in the book, except for the original 
idea of setting out to make a Number One record. It became obvious after 
two or three days that we were onto something big."

THE GROOVE
"Jimmy had the idea of using the Dr Who theme. We spent weeks trying 
to do a House mix but the only rhythm that would work was the Glitter 
beat. Of course, we thought nobody's going to want to listen to the Glitter 
beat, it's so naff. It started off all ethnicy, like a jungle rhythm. We were 
hitting walls with sticks and everything."

I DON'T LIKE TUESDAYS...
"Tuesday will be Big Doubt City and nothing's going to change that. 
What stuff you have got down is sounding like total crap. It's not just 
your paranoia telling you it's crap. It is crap."

Bill:"lt's right what we said in the book. On Tuesday we had mussive 
depression. The engineer wanted to go home because he hated what we 
were doing. By the end of Tuesday, though, we knew what we'd got and 
decided to go for it, nothing was too cheap."

...BUT I LOVE THE REST OF THE WEEK
"We searched for the lowest common denominators. We put in 'You 
Wot!?!' and 'Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!' after we decided that. We found out 
later that Pete Waterman was working an a Dr Who track at the same 
time. It was just a case af who did it first, because the Karma was right 
for it to happen."

He probably had the vibe but gave up when he couldn't fit the tune into 
the 4/4 House format.

The rest, of course, is pop history. 14 plays on Radio One in the week 
before release, a high chart entry, Top Of The Pops and one week at that 
coveted Number One spot, ("something your mum can understand").

Doctorin' The Tardis was one of those records that was either going to hit 
real big or totally bomb, but what stopped it staying at Number
One was probably the boys trying too hard to be clever. The 'car makes 
record' ploy, which helped gain some original interest, didn't go down too 
well with the tabloids.

"The Sun and Mirror hated it. We thought they'd love it, interviewing a 
car, but it degrades all their other 'exclusive' stories. They could smell we 
were sending things up and they weren't in control of it. They wanted to 
talk to us, an expose."

This playful attitude, exposing and hampering with the mechanisms of 
the industry, means that they will probably never get away with having a 
hit record again. And even when they made it to the top they did their 
best to give it up.

EVERY DAY IS LIKE SUNDAY
"We were doing Top Of The Pops and Morrissey was on doing Every 
Day Is Like Sunday and we thought f--, this is brilliant, he is brilliant, he 
should be Number One, not us. So we approached Gallup and asked if we 
could swap with Morrissey."

Needless to say it didn't work.

"I guess we're both too stupid to think things through properly. And we 
wouldn't want to try and have another hit anyway. One sort of gets it out 
of your system."

EVERYBODY'S A BORING BASTARD REALLY
And as for setting out to destroy the pop myth, Bill and Jimmy are big 
suckers, just like anybody else, for a bit of glitter, bright lights and a 
pointed smile.

"We like pop as much as anybody else. I like to believe Elvis was 
different but... everybody's a boring bastard really."

But it's fun to pretend and it's nice to believe that anybody else can do it.

"It's sad what happened to Acid House. It could have been really great. 
The media is so hungry to eat things up they destroy a movement before 
it has the chonce to run its course. In the summer you could imogine 
everyone having a go with a sampler in their bedroom. By September no 
hip dude on the block would be seen dead doing it. Of course, knowing 
about Acid involves a certain amount of research.

Jimmy: "I go to clubs sometimes to keep up with whats happening."

Bill: "I thought you went to enjoy yourself."

Jimmy: "Oh yeah... but it is partly research, you hear about things and 
want to find out about them."

Bill: "Yes, you hear about some new drugs and just have to go and try 
them out.."

Alright, clubs are good for new things, but what can you gain from the 
biggest pop people of the moment, like Stock Aitken Waterman?

Bill: "We don't want to emulate them but we do admire them. They have 
made some absolute classics."

Pet Shop Boys?

"They're the best British pop group, maybe the best in the world, but we 
don't want to be like them either."

ROCK 'N' ROLL - HEY! - ROCK 'N' ROLL 
And U2?

Bill: "Of course, we were 'born to rock' ourselves!"

Jimmy: "And I'm a heavy metal guitarist really."

So your time will come again?

Jimmy: "I hope not!"

Bill: "I see rock as being like Trad Jazz. All the parameters are stale, it's 
not exciting anymore. It's just like - remember the good old days. 
Presumably U2 are not aware of this but the machinery behind them is 
totally, cynically geared up to milk as much money out of their fame as 
possible. But rock will carry on for a long hme because it's still bloody 
good fun geffing up on stage with an electric guitar and going bzwoom-
krong!"

Pop, rock, whatever, it's all transitory and not important. It forms part of 
the soundtrack to peoples' lives, it helps them understand how they feel. 
You know, landmarks, moments, memories. In 20 years the sampler will 
be as redundant as the guitar is now. There'll still be ageing blokes 
playing rock in pubs and other ageing blokes playing samplers in pubs... 
and then it will be gone. No more pop.

Bill: "We can't imagine a time without it but in the 40s they could never 
imagine an electric guitar, in the 60s they could never imagine a sampler. 
Now, can you imagine a time without electric guitars?"

Not yet anyhow, as Jimmy admits...

"In two years time we could be playing guitars again, anyway."

MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!
But we still haven't come to the real burning question. They had a 
Number One hit in the UK. It also hit in territories as diverse as New 
Zealand and Greece and even made inroads into the US Billboard hot 
100. That's a lot of records! And a lot of money. So what have you done 
with the dosh, bros?

Bill: "We've spent it all, and everything that might be coming to us."

They've made this film, y'see.

Bill (with just a touch of irony): "It's the ultimate rock stars folly... and 
we're creative artistes. It's a happening in a car, a road movie called The 
White Room."

Hmm. it doesn't sound much like a road movie. 
"OK... The White Road then..."

Anyway, they've done the location shooting in Spain, and there's some 
more studio work to do in the UK, so it should be ready in the late spring.

"We're going to show it as a silent movie, with live music, like a rock 
gig."

Kinda like a mini Pink Floyd, or something? But, before that, there's 
more to do, like a new LP.

"It won't be sample based. If people want more of what was challenging 
in '87 they'll be disappointed."

And there's the film soundtrack, the first bit of which is available now as 
a 12 inch, What Time Is Love, which is doing well in, of all places, Italy.

So there's still plenty left to achieve after the thrill of a UK Number One.

DEDICATION... THAT'S ALL YOU NEED
Jimmy: "Yeah - we haven't had a Number One album in America!"

Bill: "Hold on!"

So what's it all for? A laugh?

Bill: "No, it's a need, like having a crap. You need to do it. People look at 
the humorous content and think that's all there is to it. At 17 you're into 
whatever's happening, then you go through a cynical period, trying to be 
serious searching for the most obscure stuff that nobody else is into. Then 
you get past all that and you let everything, including humour, into what 
you're doing."

But, ultimately pop's not that important. It's transitory, silly.

Bill: "Some days it's not important but others it's the most serious thing 
in the world. Sex, drugs and loud music will ALWAYS be incredibly 
exciting."